There are times as a parent that we are forced into explaining something that we really don’t want to, especially those of a personal nature. As a Mom, that task is usually put upon me because Dad is squeamish about most things. I don’t mind doing it and I rather like giving the play by play to my husband as payback for having to go it alone. The phrase, “Wait until your Father get’s home” is more like, “Wait until your father gets home so I can make him squirm with every gory little detail!” He can’t escape that easily! Muuhahaha!
Ahem…Where was I? Ah yes, personal nature. So when the dog steals a tampon applicator out of the trash, for instance and Jacob asks, “What is that?” I feel compelled to tell him the truth and I did. After all, the things I say might very well be held against me the next time I am in a public place. I certainly don’t want him to spy a box of tampons in some poor unsuspecting souls cart and hear hear him say, “Oh look Mom! A box of rockets!” Having said that, I do try and make the explanations short and sweet.
The tampon explanation was met with a huge,”EWWWWWWWWWWW!” My job is done when I am confident that he is so grossed out he’ll never repeat to anyone. Ever. I’ll spare you the details. You’re welcome :o)
Which leads me to the all too famed Sex Talk for Jacob at the ripe old age of 11. Andrew is extremely knowledgeable in all aspects of life and everything in it, down to the minute details. It’s annoying. I say that with love LOL. He thrives on knowledge and I can never get him enough books to satisfy his appetite. You know the kid is bored when he starts reading the dictionary. The sex talk with Andrew was not even a talk. He read a book, asked if it was true. I said that it was and we were done. That’s all she wrote.
Andrew, unfortunately, has no edit button. When he absorbs something, he opens his mouth and talks about it to the world, whether they want to hear it or not. At the age of 5, he explained to the poor sap salesman in the men’s clothing store, how a C-Section was performed. It tends to push people away, as you can well imagine, and has been a large reason why he found it difficult to make friends. So, when Cayden and Jacob were playing leap frog, Andrew was a bit disgusted and told the boys that they looked like they were “humping”.
Cayden burst out laughing because he thought it was hilarious. Jacob had no clue so Andrew decided to fill him in. I prided myself on being able to avoid the talk with Jacob all of these years as he never asked any questions about it. After Andrew’s lack lustre explanation of, “You look like you’re having sex”, Jacob got angry. Partly because he didn’t know what it was, apart from the way parents make babies but also because he thought his brother was teasing him for “being dumb”. He was put in a time out on the stairs and we had a little talk. I decided that it was time to fill him in. Short and sweet.
“The penis goes into the vagina.”
His eyes got wide and then it happened, “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! EWWW! EWWW! EWWW! GROSS!!!”
He stops for a second, “You and Dad did that?!?!?!”
(Yeah kid, 3 times only. That’s it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.)
Then his face went blank. I could see the wheels turning in his brain and he yelled, “Hey Andrew! You’re a freakin’ liar! I don’t have a vagina so Cayden couldn’t hump me!” Logic.
Which brings me to today. First, let’s go back a couple of days when I had to explain what a douche bag was. Thank you Summer’s Eve commercial. *sigh…”It’s what women use to clean their vaginas.” Again, short and sweet. I thought we were done…Until I opened my big mouth this morning.
Cayden and Jacob were having a conversation about gaming and whether or not he would help Jacob with the new game he has pre-ordered next month. Of course, Cayden is being a brat, teasing him and making Jacob believe that he won’t help and let him suffer through it while he sits back and laughs. Understandably, Jacob is getting a little upset so I, in my infinite wisdom, thinking I could lighten the situation say,
“Jacob, Cayden is being what’s known as a Douche Bag.”
It worked. Jacob smiled and Cayden started laughing. Crisis averted so I grabbed my coffee cup, walked down the hallway and while I am taking a final sip I hear,
“Wait…Cayden is a pussy bag?!”
I spit out my coffee all over the floor. Two things ran through my mind as fast as lightening; Did I just hear what I think I heard? and Where the hell did he learn that? I hear laughter and Jacob asked me what I was snorting about. I guess spit takes sound like snorts..??
As I am cleaning coffee off the floor, he asked if I was laughing at what he said. I said, “Well, what did you say?”
He says, “What? Isn’t it for cleaning lady parts?”
Well why the hell couldn’t he say Lady Parts to begin with? So another lecture about never repeating that word in public or anywhere for that matter. It’s wrong and don’t even describe a cat that way because people are sensitive, blah, blah, blah. It was beginning to sound like a broken record….UGH. All I can ever do is hope it sticks. Another day, another story.
I cannot wait until their father gets home LOL